Sorority Row Review

Sorority Row – 09.18.09 – One Eyed Willie



Princess Leia with a motherfucking SHOTGUN!! That's what they should have put as the tagline on the posters for this fiery mediocre co-ed slaughter fest. I love that ornery old bitch and she stole the show in the few small scenes she has in this revenge-vengeance-slasher-titty-crime flick. Or the revenslashtitcrime flick as I like to call the genre.

So, if I have this straight, a prank gone horribly wrong (or perhaps right depending on your view of sorority girls) leads to the death and cover up of a buxom co-ed with her entire life of affluence, binge drinking and generally being a bitchy cunt, being destroyed in the process. Cue end credits. I clap. And leave. OK OK I'm being too vicious here. The film is fun and definitely plays with some of the horror cliches we are all so used to. But really ever since Scream bought it out of the closet audiences everywhere are all ken to the game. No less than 4 suspects all with potential motive to rampage around killing drunken frat boys and girls with get this... A fucking tire iron modified with different blades and piercing tips. I'M NOT FUCKING KIDDING...

There's really no one worth mentioning in this sad sad film. There's a female character nick-named “Chugs,” (how endearing..) Chugs was played by Margo Harshman star of such winners as “Jenny's got a boob job,” and a bunch of shite TV roles. Carrie Fisher was in some low budget sci-fi film back in the 70's that is no longer relevant. Oh! I almost forgot... Rumer Willis was in this, Bruce and Demi's fucked up uber-masculine offspring has like 10 lines and plays the quiet shy geeky girl. At least she kept her top on.

Alright, while laughable in itself at least they aren't suspicious of the person running around in robes on grad day as the hot tub overflows with bubbles and the girls all decide they need to shower before the party. So, the girls keep quiet regarding their mishap under the rules of the sisterhood. Rules which seem to be, fuck everything, if its fermented or distilled guzzle it and generally be total twats to everyone in their lives including each other. Does anyone cheer for these bitches to live?

I think that's the point we are at in horror cinema. No one cheers for the kids to live anymore, we don't yell, “No! Don't go downstairs/into the woods/down that well/into that abandoned house/take a shower... We tell them too because we just wanna see some fucked up asshole get his due in the most creative bloody gratuitous way possible (see: Final Destinaton 1-4 and all the Saw movies). Yup. I'm game! So on that level Sorority Row wins out. The story is filled with more holes than the co-ed can fill with cock, and the ending is kinda predictable but also kinda fucking odd and confusing. But hey. Bitches take their tops off, blood spurts, Princess Leia has a huge motherfucking shotgun that never runs out of ammo and all is right in the horror world.

Story: 4/10
Acting: A surprising 6/10
Violence/Gore: 5/10

For a whopping total: 5/10