Onward and Northward... meeting Seanessica... Plane scares and rip-offs

Getting trashed in Saigon is an easy proposition, this process is made even easier by the fact that you can get grey market pharmaceuticals at any pharmacy. You don't needa 'script for most drugs, the key is just finding out the Vietnamese name for what you need is the key. I wanted to grab some Valium to ease those long overland bus rides in less than ideal conditions so we stopped into a local over-the-counter and through hand gestures, frantic pointing and some sketchy writing of names (diazepam, clonazepam, etc...) i succeeded in obtaining a handful of Valium for around 25 cents a pill. I wanted to get some dex or adderal but alas there was none to be found...

We spent the next day wandering our district shopping for pirated DVD's which range in both price and quality, touted at from every street corner the Saigon fumes were beginning to wear on my frazzled alcohol juiced nerves. We ate a delicious Pad Thai on a balcony overlooking the spiderweb of wires that passes for an electrical grid and then said our good byes to Dave, Landon and Johann... Off to new adventures we were headed North. Our flight would only be an hour and 20 minutes, a cake walk given some of the endurance treks i have endured to cross an underdeveloped country.

Arriving with a good 2 hours at the domestic terminal of the Ho Chi Minh airport was mistake number one. This fuckless hole in the ground lacked even the most basic of ammenities at the check in level, boasting a glass counter at which soft brown spotted fruit slowly fermented under the glare of the overhead florescents and the bored attendant dazed to the keening buzz of a machine that appears to exist to wrap luggage and packages in thin layers of polyethylene plastic. What purpos4e this serves is beyond me but the Vietnamese seem to love the service. Attempting to check in to our flight was similar to boarding a 99 B-line bus on September 5th at 8am at Commercial station when UBC has started its fall semester. ie. all sense of human manners as propriety developed over the past 10,000 years of cultural development take a back seat top a "me first" attitude, I cursed under my breath as we finally approached a wicket to be informed our flight was 2 hours delayed. Yay, socialist communism! This also began our constant shunting between standby wickets and solid plastic chairs designs to be sat in comfortably for exactly 2 minutes and 45 seconds. With 2 hours to go we tried to nap. Hungry. Thirsty. Sober. This fucking sucks.

We didn't get a seat on the first early flight to Hue, which made me wonder where the hell all the other passengers were. Is this cause we're white? Fuck. Can't thin like that. These are a lovely gracious people who have welcomed us into their country in order to share their lovely culture and take us for every penny... fuck it. Valium time.

I popped 4 Valium as Alexis found out we had made it onto the 645 flight. Time now.

6:45

Fuck... We rush to check in and then are informed while on the flight, it has been delayed an hour. We're handed our boarding passes and we head upstairs to breeze through security. I have to piss so i head to the head to take a slash... As i emerge from the single most foul airport washroom i have ever had the opportunity to grace with my urine, I mean i think my piss actually cleaned some of the trough style urinal into which I expelled it.... anyway... A lovely french tinged Vietnamese voice comes over the loud speaker announcing myself and Alexis as the last remaining passengers yet to board our "delayed" flight.

We run.

We make it. I'm apologizing yet fuming for an error that wasn't mine and we finally get seated and stowed as the Valium hits. sweet sweet mellow non-caring awesome... I could use a whiskey but I'll be happy if the plane gets off the ground let alone if it has a wet bar. A storm has descended and as we taxi onto the runway Lightning strobes, flashbulbs of crackling static and thunderous rumbles that play bass to the sheets of high-hat rain spattering on the wings. We take off in minor turbulence and i look up to see an odd misty smoke emanating from the wall 4 rows ahead of me. The Fear takes hold and my heart pounds. "That's it! The fucking planes on fire, we lost our engines and we;'re going down...." The valium at least keeps me in place and i look over at the stewardess sitting beside me. We're in an exit row and i'm ready to throw that fucking hatch wide open and ride the inflatable yellow slide to the ground like in the happy little brochure that sits in front of my seat...

(Remember Fight Club? Chuck Palahniuk knew that brochure is a pig-fucker. It lies through gritted teeth. It should feature a plane broken into thousands of parts, limbs and luggage, flotsam and jetsam, and survivors burning as they slide down what's left of that stupid cock sucking slide....)

Sooo.... the stewardess is calm and smiley... I sniff the air... I look at Alexis who is holding my hand.. "Do you smell mint?" I ask...

She says "Yah, a little...."

I then realize, the "smoke" is an aromatic mist with a soothing mint smell.

WHAT. THE. FUCK!?

Have these people never heard of a glade plug in? I thought the goddamn plane was on fire, take offs and landings are statistically the times of highest risk for an air plane and they decide to pump minty smoke like mist into the cabin to w. We're ok. We get to cruising altitude and get a free bottle of water. It's 300ml. I hate this airline.

***

We get into Hue airport around 9pm and disembark with little hassle, except when i had already paid a mini-bus ticket girl who then wandered off and i was sure she had ripped us off. mean while we were being accosted on all sides by taxi drivers who definitely wanted to rip us off. Alexis calms me down and with the assistance of a guard we track down our bus-lady and secure passage into Hue.

The old capital of Vietnam (1802-1945), Hue is located smack in the centre of the country and is just outside of the infamous former demilitarized zone from the war of American Agression. Fuck it. read more about it here --> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hue,_Vietnam

Really cool info.

We meet Jess and Sean easily on a side street in a Cafe across from our gorgeous hotel suite. It's unfortunate we will only have a few days here. We unencumbered ourselves and headed down to the cafe for dranks. The rest of the evening is a grey haze beset on all sides by everyone chattering in the back ground and me coming to consciousness and saying... Ït's ok.. I'm not sleeping! In a hurried desperate tone of voice, then passing back out.

Welcome to Hue.